A Pivotal Moment

Its January 31, 2015. We move to a new year soon and it is natural to reflect.

Our experiences are part in parcel a reflection of who we are at the moment. What works and what does not. We can tweak and re-choose and keep learning about ourselves and how we fit into this temporary mosaic.

2015 was momentous for me. I let go of pursuing acting in LA full time to part time by moving back to the bay. That was driven by many reasons..none the least of which was my health. When I moved back I launched an Airbnb business and was busy setting that up and refurnishing my home. 

I then followed up with the next steps to assess what was going on with my health and found out I had a very rare and super slow growth tumor in my lung. The cure was surgery and removing the middle lobe of my lung. I did not want that to be the answer...so I went on a rampage researching...getting all kinds of tests. Looking at natural cures etc. Eliciting prayers from close friends, acquaintances, people of all faiths...no holds bar.:-) Fear in over drive.

In the end I opted for the surgery. I had a fun bday and an amazing trip to Cabo prior and then chaos ensued. Long story short my life would never be the same again..my perception of reality changed and growth happened.

Despite all this the Surgery and recovery was a success.

We all know growth is a euphemism for an extremely painful experience, but you either grow or you get stuck in bitterness. 

The rest of my year was me getting past the bitterness and embracing the deepened friendships, a deeper and less rigid faith, and embracing a new dating experience where I had to learn to communicate in a healthy way and where I learned boundaries and compromise.

So I smile now..knowing that no matter what curves come my way or what is taken from me to the next world...no matter how crazy our world gets..I will be more than ok..and we will be more than ok. Rejoice life is a gift and cherishing it..thru all the ups and downs..is downright worth it.

In the Chaos, Surrender to the Process of Redemption

I wonder how often we trust in a paradigm that simply does not work. I think it happens often in life and we either change or ignore it.

In the past, I have often thought why do people live a life that more often than not brings chaos into their life. Perhaps for some their personality type or life experience or both leads them to skirt the potential danger..almost as a thrill.

On the other hand, some of us because of our personality type and life experience..mistrust people and ourselves so much we bury ourselves in religious practice. Sometimes we truly want to find and get close to God, but more often we care to admit if we are honest we are running from something too.

In any case, it seems we often encounter things that just don't line up with how we think things should work. And if you continue down a path rationalizing long enough...sometimes God just throws a monkey wrench so severe you can no longer continue on the same path.

Those who have known me the longest know I can tend to be stubborn and loyal to a fault. These attributes do have their plus side for sure. But I have also been blessed with analyzing myself, others and things the way they work.

To be sure no amount of praying, bargaining, saving and a false sense of security will ever shield you from who you are. The beauty is you can change if you want to. You just have to be ready to see things and  finally change a pattern that simply does not work. 

God most assuredly talks to us in still moments but he also talks to us thru other people. Thru other people can be jarring. Sometimes it is too much or over exaggerated but make no mistake the is value is still there.

Without adversity and people checking us, we don't grow. And realistically we are loved and love few people enough to put the energy in to work it out when it gets very messy. We love and are loved by few who will do what it takes to amend and get past it. More often than not if you are willing..it just takes time.

I think the beauty of this life is that your capacity to be in those situations of being loved and loving gets better. We gain a better capacity to do it. I am of course talking about relationships that are longer term and close. 

Although valuable, being a Mother Theresa and catering to the dying or fighting with the opposition, or dealing in a hierarchical structure is an unequal relationship and  often a very temporary one as well. Charity and altruism is beautiful but most of us can only pull that off when we are just in the right mental space and it is temporary.

The longer term closer relationship with all these images of God are much more challenging. It is almost as if if you can't love your neighbor, you can't really recognize God's love and providence. 

It is not about being perfect with every reaction as somehow God graces you with how to react with every situation but it is just about being honest. The struggle is real and it never ends but thats the joy really..letting go of our desire for perfection or apathy and caring enough about yourself and others to make it thru.

And I think that is where I need to grow next. It is really relying on God's providence because it all works out in the end..even when we pass. It's messy and evil sometimes but somehow God's love redeems all of it. Even the weak, messy and evil inside of us. Because that part is always us taking control instead of surrendering to Him and the needs he puts before us in inconvenient times. When we succeed in those tests..we feel closer to Him and when we fail..we have a choice. The first is to rationalize and harden your heart. The second is to face it..amend it if you can and in the chaos surrender to the process of redemption.

A Measure of Your Heart

This will be an atypical post for me. It may have been a long time coming but it finally took this journey to get here. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways and all the reasons aren't readily apparent but what I have learned is to see as God sees..not by outward appearance but what is in the heart.

To be sure seeing the glass half full is by and large a good thing…but the fact that is it is half empty too.:-) That really shouldn't matter much except when you find yourself at a very fragile point in your life, and you turn to the people closest to you that you believe are in a capacity to help. Praying only helps when people actually step up to help and to be sure in the end they do…but when the the majority of the initial people fail you…it really makes one wonder what really is.

At least it made me wonder. And it sobered me up like nothing else. So before I get into the crazy details of what happened, let me preface by saying that I do believe all evil allowed is to give us a choice to be more compassionate or less among other things. And that I am grateful I survived the experience, and that the Lord has blessed me and will continue to bless me in what His unique call for me is

It is easy when one is strong and grounded to detach from the toxicity and respond appropriately..it is when one is fragile..at your weakest moment that one has to detach for a long time before knowing how to respond.

As many of you know, I do stand up for the weak or any injustice I feel that is done. It is very odd to find myself in the position to be advocating for myself when supposedly faith filled friends of means abandon you in your absolute weakest moment and over $100, it seems too ludicrous to even write about.

But truth is stranger than fiction to use another cliche.

So what I am about to share is disturbing and really exposes my vulnerability and weakness but I know that this too will be redemptive to those who read. 

On this latest incredible journey that in hindsight I would not  trade for the world, I found myself in a position that me and God could simply not handle everything…God works thru people and we need people.

So as some of you know I was diagnosed with a rare and slow growing form of cancer in April of this year. I had kept an inner circle of friends abreast of me trying to ascertain what was and what was not since the fall of last year. I informed them wanting spiritual..prayer support and emotional. I was torn because I also did not want them worried or alarmed. But I made the choice to let them know.

As a caveat, I have to disclose that I have been on my own without the support of parents, siblings or any family really since I was 17. To be sure it is a rough predicament but it also has led to many wonderful experiences..none the least of which is that there is a big caring world out there and it is not necessarily in the faith communities.

So this inner circle by and large knows this about me and knows too I am a very capable and resilient person. But given my health, my familial situation and the circumstances which I am about to divulge..one would think they would know even Angela has her breaking point. Especially when she shares that she is at this point with you.

So lets circle back to April of this year when after 6 months or so of monitoring, I find out definitively I had this rare form of slow growing cancer. It was a lot for me to digest, and I did not want to relay this news to the my inner circle via mass email as I had been doing. So I called everyone up and eventually spoke to everyone that wanted to and was capable of hearing the news. I wanted to minimize the alarm and wanted them to hear that I was handling this ok.

To be sure up until this point I was supported in a big way..in ways I had not expected.

Then came the research, the tests and the opinions and the emotional fall out of the diagnosis. I got really scared and muscled through and came back to lean on God and all was as well with the world as could be.

I kept my inner circle abreast of the trajectory staying positive and asking for prayers and thanking them for there emotional support, even by name. A person whom I thought was a friend offered, no insisted, I have the surgery in LA and that I could stay at her place but could not be there to help me..I assured her I had someone to do that and it would only be a week after surgery that I needed to stay. A generous offer to be sure filled with some unknown but by and large a known quantity.

I wanted to have it done here at home in the bay but my option was a very limited skilled thoracic surgeon and so the only real option was the best in LA. I let the friend in LA know and the dates I would be there. It would be one week prior for pre-op tests and then one week post surgery.So July 9 thru the 23rd.  I stayed at her place a couple of times prior for auditions and for a medical consult and she seemed warm and caring.

I then took a trip to Mexico with a friend in late May for many reasons and two of the main ones were to just relax and take my mind off the stress of all of this and to bring joy to my inner circle by seeing that I could still enjoy myself despite the diagnosis and impending surgery.

Shortly, after I came back in early June the inexplicable happened. My friend in LA informed via text that she was quitting her job. I remember sharing this with a Christian faith group as it happened at the dinner meeting..they offered solutions..very kind but to be expected in the end those solutions would not materialize. I still had faith things would work out.

I then went to see my friend in LA, and she now informed me she was ill. I was now very stressed for her and for me. Aside from a place to stay, I too had anchored emotional support with her. To see that this may not work out was shattering to me. I tired to help her problem solve and she still was planning on hosting me and blocked out the more specific dates again on her calendar. I tried helping her by buying groceries when I was down there and I came back very stressed. 

I simultaneously tried to support her predicament and also tried to look for alternate lodging remedies. I came up with a modest budget of $500 that I could help out with if someone else could host. I asked my ex-fiancé ( part of the inner circle for months) if he could help if push came to shove and he very diplomatically told me his current living situation would not allow it but would let me know if anything changed. Given the urgency of my emails, I read between the lines that he no longer wanted to be involved other than prayer. I confirmed this in a response that was gracious, and I never heard from him again.

This was the beginning of the shocks. Later that same day, I received a call from my friend in LA's cell phone..but it was not my friend..it was her mother. I had met her mother a couple of times in a Catholic prayer group. I was very alarmed and asked if my friend was ok. Her mother said yes the doctors can't find anything wrong other than pre-morbid appendicitis but she still feels pain. So she can't work and is going on disability. I got excited and said..so you saw my text earlier. I had suggested this as a financial solution earlier that day. 

Her mother ignored what I said and proceeded to get to the point. She said she understands I have "a situation". She said she was going to move in with her daughter now and that I can't stay there.

I said in shock yes I was looking around. She said "oh you figured that out." In more shock I said yes it is not exactly rocket science and I proceeded to let her know my thought process and if I could not secure other lodging I would cancel the surgery. She said "well you are just going to have to figure that out for yourself" and said her daughter would call me later..to make a long story short she never did.

Angela the strong can do anything with God became Angela the weak. I started crying uncontrollably and a friend who had been their earlier that day consoling me about my ex's abandonment was now consoling me via text and trying to get me too look for alternates. I cried for a day and half..I was crushed. For some moments I saw no hope..even if a solution presented itself what was my lot in life.

Another man who would be so infatuated with me that would proclaim undying love and was born to love me etc. yes I can find that..but that is not real love..and my friends as wonderful as they are have their own lives and so here I am alone with aloneness as a future and what would be the point of battling this illness anyway..what is the point of trying to preserve my life. In those brief moments I was losing hope on love. To be sure a life without love holds little meaning for me. My friend battled thru with me on all of this.

So thru the tears I reached out to every one I knew in LA asking if anyone knew anyone near  the hospital that could host..given my fragile predicament. I reached out to the Beverly Hills Catholic Church and calmly explained my predicament and if perhaps a parishioner could help..I was cut off and told they could not help me and to contact the city of Beverly Hills. I did and they suggested airbnb or a hotel. 

It was then that I was reminded of an angel I had lost contact with many months prior. I asked him if he knew someone near the hospital..he said no but to please let him know how he could help. I asked something else and he suggested a hotel and I said that was prohibitively expensive..he kept asking how he could help.

The following morning, I reached an epiphany, let me give airbnb a try and explain my needs and see. Lo and behold they accepted me but the price tag was $1568. A thousand over my budget. I went back to the angel and said ok I have a solution and its $1000 over my budget, I will ask other friends but how much can you help with. He said whatever your friends don't cover. A huge sigh of relief..then came another brainstorm..I know at least 13 friends with means who have been with me on this journey offering prayer and other support. If I divide $1000 by 13..I did not want an odd number so I picked the top 10 I thought would have the least problem helping and/or cared the most and sent out a desperate plea for a pledge of $100 and explained the hell I had just been thru and needed a quick solution and if I could not come up with it..well I may have to postpone the surgery..all with faith filled language. It was a pledge just in case later I could not come up with that money. I just needed a back up, an assurance.

The responses were shocking. Only 3 offered a pledge right away, one called trying to not part with money but finally did.  One texted me about my phone being stolen which was true but I had mentioned that to her a week prior in a separate email. One emailed a couple of days later and said why are not you having the surgery in the bay and to call her up and maybe she can loan me $100. And the rest did not respond. Only one followed up to see what was up ONE month later and that email was insane. She explained that she could not offer me the pledge because the bank wanted more money than the $140,000 down they had put on building their new home and vacations etc. and to take my time and let her know if I had postponed my surgery for a more convenient time.

Wow! I won't bore you with how that finally ended except that once she new sugary was a go she made herculean prayer efforts for me and tried to convince me that I should want to continue the friendship because prayer is important. ?????????????

The rest skirted past my surgery and did not communicate.

On the bright side I went to outside my top ten to 2 more people and they without hesitation helped. So I came up with the $1000 and my angel ponied up $400. 

I am so grateful to them..words can not explain. They not only pledged but sent the money. 

Despite still recovering from surgery and recovering from the emotional wounds, I am definitely stronger and wiser now and more compassionate to those in need. To be honest I always have been but it is deeper now. 

My wrath to the self-righteous hypocrites was very strong and it was understandable but I too have to take some responsibility of not really seeing those people as they really are. They actually told me all along with how they spoke about money, some miserliness and gain and status. I just wanted to believe in their better angels because they were by and large people of faith and cared about me. 

I guess that care had its limit given my health and emotional crisis and lack of familial support.. $100 was just too much.

It reminds me of the scripture Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. It also reminds me of another  Matthew 15:8 "'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."

To be sure these same verses cast a light on me, and my own walk and showcase my limitations. One just hopes we have more generous boundaries and that one learns. 

I hope this too helps you look inside and out. The one thing I have regretfully learned that speaks to Matthew15:8 is that whether you pray or go to church or not is not necessarily a measure of your heart.

A Story of Love

I just came back from a vacation to Cabo, Mexico. I went with an old friend and had  a lot of good and typical partying times. The sun, the activities, the runs on the beach, too many spirited drinks, the spontaneous connections..had me live in the moment more often than not.

It took me out of the health drama that had me swept up in April and May. With God's grace, my final answer came before my trip. All the doctors I consulted with knowledge of my rare cancer said the same. There is an excellent chance it is isolated, It is extremely slow growing and surgery is the preventative and curative course of action. I will weigh a little less come mid July..minus the smallest lobe in our lungs..the right middle lobe.:-)

So I have peace. I am embracing prayers with friends and have been blessed to have prayers that have accompanied me through this journey from a core group of friends and family members.

The little miracle that happens is that I see God and love in new ways almost without looking for it.:-)

As I returned from my trip, I thought well I am not particularly inspired to write a May blog and here we are June 1 and I am inspired.

I saw on a bumper sticker the dates of a beloved's birthday and passing and it occurred to me that this life is a Story of Love. We can't escape it.

Some of us love science and knowledge and the dream to do and know more. Some of us love a child, a spouse, a long love or a friend. Some of us love a pet or life or Jesus or God. 

But that love drives us…as if by some invisible hand we are moved beyond ourselves, discovering ourselves, growing and yet staying the same, and ultimately accepting the many things we can not control and yet we love anyway.

If you stay still and silent and open your heart, it is almost as if we don't have a choice…we cherish, we protect, we pursue we love whom we love and what we love. 

And God's will for that love will be made manifest in what we give up on and what we don't.

What ultimately opened my eyes again was the drama of life and health in a friend's family. My eyes were more deeply opened in remembering the story of what Jesus did out of love…how His sacrifice was the ultimate story of love. It's transformative, salvific and healing.

This June month as we celebrate Corpus Christi and meditate on the Eucharist..let that Holy Presence remind us and smile. It is written in your heart and mine and put their by God…because life is truly a Story of Love.

The Ultimate Challenge

About 5-7 years ago I took a strengths finder test at St. Dominic's and my number one gift deigned on me buy God was Command. Command connotes authority, decisiveness and courage. I admit I was not too thrilled with it at the time. It is not exactly the typical feminine profile. But then again--St. Catherine of Sienna and Joan of Arc had those gifts. Mother Theresa and Mary did as well even if they were more humble and soft spoken.

So now I embrace it…after all what choice do I have? Suffocating a gift is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

And that brings me to the real topic and a revelation at least for the moment. So first some caveats before I reveal what I am about to reveal. First, prayer and miracles happen all the time and you never know when…persistence is key. Second, I apologize in advance if this news causes distress or for some reason you feel you should have found out another way. Thirdly, It is my sincere hope that this particular blog entry is of spiritual, intellectual and emotional value for you.

So first the news and a lot of pour out of me reflection.:-)

As you know the Big C -- Christ is a big deal to me..HE has been for a very very long time. Perhaps HE has always been and always will be a big deal to me. I can't imagine any circumstance changing that. What the little c has taught me is that I am human, have real fears about death (I really like life)  and that the greatest challenges bring about untold blessing for you and others.

Yes the little c is cancer. So bear with me as I delve into the specifics. On April 6th of this year after monitoring a nodule discovered by accident for about 7 months, I underwent a needle biopsy on my right lung. I received the results on Wednesday April 8th of that week. That nodule was a carcinoid tumor very slow growing but none the less cancer.

Before I could wrap my brain around the news..I was scheduled for a battery of tests for the following week to see if the particular cells involved had gone awry elsewhere or if there was any metastasis. I had never in my life experienced moments of fear and paralyzation as I had about this news. I stayed positive most of the time but subconsciously the fear of the unknown weighed heavy on the back of my mind where I had pushed it. 

My control freak nature went on a rampage devouring every bit of information about the rare form of this particular cancer I had (only 5% of people get it) and there is no known cause or risk factor. I googled a special foundation, found support groups, specialized information, faith resources, and diet resources. And in this whirlwind with the constant support of good friends and family both near and far..I managed to at least still go to daily mass and pray.

Two epiphanies came. One is I was letting fear get in the way of my relationship with God, and two I surrendered and let God know and my cousin who heard my confession that even if it was my time and I was dying I still loved HIM. 

Now looking back it seemed mellow dramatic..but really we don't know when our time will come. It can be slow or it can be fast. Don't get me wrong, I pleaded, begged my Heavenly Father and had my core group do the same for healing for something that had not spread. But part of me finally realized in the end His will would be done. Nothing for me was ever so humbling.

The good news is after being poked a dozen times, going through countless CT scans..laughing and kidding around some of the time with them and then that crazy O scan..the full body scan the results came. They were all negative and my tumor was not very active. I have no doubt the grace of fervent daily prayer from my beautiful friends and family played a role. Right before I got the last bit of most important results on April 17th..I felt this palpable spontaneous peace. So yes if you are going to have cancer this is the best type to have and I am grateful.

I won't bore you with the details of all the due diligence I am doing now but I do know at some point I would like my experience to be a resource for others not only dealing with a cancer diagnosis but any major health problem.

My faith will get me through this, and although I can calculate what is likely to happen, even if I am right, I don't want to short change God and Love. So lets just say I will leave it in the hands of God to see how this chapter ends. But the good news is no matter what, it seems I will be one of the fortunate ones that has an end in sight to killing the cancer definitively. It may not be an easy solution but it will be swift, quick and permanent for this particular cancer if it agrees with God's will.

Ironically, there are a multitude of blessings already gleaned from this experience. Deeper self awareness, my love of life, my love of God, HIS love for me, my love of friends and family and their love for me, reconciliation, deeper compassion, the preciousness of life, greater courage to just stand up for what's right and quit weighing out what others will think and so much more. I have no doubt there are things I can't possibly recognize that are blessings.

So how can I leave you with some value here? Please please remember you are not alone...in your weakest moments God is there and the compassion and love people have hidden in the recesses of their heart comes out..God comes out. 

And what is the Ultimate Courage? To put the big C above the little c and every other letter in the alphabet.:-)  How? Well a start would be to acknowledge all of your self in the most trying of moments and never give up on God or Love. To reach up and out and pour yourself out. The biggest gift you have is the biggest gift for you. The biggest gift you have is the love God wants to pour out from you. Don't stop it when it comes because suffocating it is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

Where the Heart is

Funny to be publishing this on St.Patrick's day. But it is certainly a celebration of the heart for the Irish and those adopted Irish who celebrate His feast day.

This month has certainly been joyous for my heart. Sometimes we are led to a path out of challenge, or an intense desire or a logical next step. The beauty is that eventually if that path poses challenges against where your heart really is…where your heart is will eventually win.

Of course this applies to romance but that is not the focus of this blog. I will add a few lines about romance though as here to I learned a lot about while in LA. I learned tat where you heart really is is eventually revealed. You just have to give it time.

Thats why when it is not love but need, desire or attachment or any combination thereof it is always best to let it go. Where-ever your heart really is will win out anyway and it will be clear. You give yourself and the other person a gift, and you grow and move on to the possibility of real love happening. And if your heart is free and open it will happen.

So where is my heart? It's in the bay and with my home. I fought that as long as I could, wanting to give the acting in LA a real chance. I did for as long as I could. It's not easy turning your back on a door when it is just opening up but I just could not "live or love" there any longer. With time how LA fits into my life will become apparent.

The blessings that happened while I was in LA are so vast that I can't count them all. I met some very kind and gentle souls, I have an amazing agent in LA now, I participated in a bunch of short films and had a lead role for the first time. I put my reel together and made good contacts. I had amazing and heart breaking experiences there and I would not trade them.  My experiences in LA has caused a unique growth. However, for now I have gone where my heart is, and I feel much contentment and peace.

In our journey in this life God's will becomes apparent in the doors He opens and closes repeatedly. In that moment to moment journey we embrace the ups and the downs knowing that with time His will will become apparent and where the heart is.

The Challenges are a Blessing in Disguise

I read in someone's profile recently some wise words..behold the wonderment of life but know that there also challenges and that we can get thru them.

I dug deeper this week as it was one of my more challenging weeks with quite a few curve balls thrown my way.  In baseball, when you anticipate a curve ball then you can prepare but when you don't then you swing badly….but thats the beauty you reflect and you practice.:-)

And so I practiced self reflection, I had to to make sense of the pain. The event and circumstances is one thing but it's what is triggered in me that I looked at more deeply. What did I do well, how do I feel about what I did not do well? What was the unexpected result or blessing that came out of it? How can I be more gracious in my  actions/decisions when I make them and in my responses when I am caught by surprise and most importantly..how can I be gracious no matter what the result is?

It is easy to blame others..it is quiet another to embrace where they are at and where you at and what  you and they have done and then in dignity and with courage respond in kindness and decisively when it becomes clear how you want to respond. 

Reactions to an event that causes you harm are usually only necessary in an emergency or life threatening situation..but even then there is the grace of God giving you a choice on how to respond. And if you have time to think and to collect your emotions..take it.  Weigh it out. Their needs, your needs..what is fair..call on friends who give you wise input and then turn to the Lord if the still quiet voice has not spoken yet…decide and then act.

The result is many times not as bad as you initially think..you learn about the other person..you learn about yourself.  The result in the end probably led you to a desired outcome or to a more authentic place. The ones where you are in each others lives for a reason are blessed. The other's that are in each other's lives for a season are blessed and the one's designed to accompany you for the journey are blessed.

All are blessings and we have to be thankful..we each help or helped each other grow.

Our Lord and Savior is the model of how to handle challenges. The pain was real and the result seemed horrible. However, his human nature grew in love for us as his divine nature and calling lead him down a unique and loving path.  He received the greatest glory and worship in the end. And the result for us too is an undeserved and huge blessing…perhaps our biggest blessing of all. A self-sacrificial love that if we accept and walk in HIS path will lead us to a joy filled life, the greatest aid to face our challenges and an army here on earth and in heaven ready to assist you on this journey and get you safely to an even better place with an even greater promise in the end.:-)

As we start the month of February, I think of January and embrace the changes in me and my life and I give thanks to God and those who touched me this month in kind and not so kind ways.:-) 

I look forward to the Superbowl, to Lent, to the day of love and friendship and embrace this glorious journey where we are invited to grow…painful yes..but it is the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves. Thank you Lord for gifting us with this life full of blessings and wonder, full of love and full of challenges…all for your glory and our sanctification.

Reflect and be grateful when challenges come for they are a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes We Need the Desert

I was struggling this month for a theme. Sometimes the events don't directly inspire a theme and then it just comes.

This month has many events I have written about in the past like Epiphany, MLK day and of course the Walk for Life in SF and DC.

But as decisions and transitions always do for me, I self reflect. At first I do what comes naturally for me as an extrovert, I embrace the people in my path and around me. It energizes me and invigorates me and I feel a zest and purpose. It is also my way of processing. Once I gain experience in a certain realm, I generally make decisions instinctually. My instincts are rarely wrong.

I think hope and positivity sometimes gets me into trouble. I always am creative at finding solutions and finding ways to grow but we all have our limits. Humbly, I have found my own. Does it mean I can never outgrow them? No. But it does mean I must respect them and honor them. Love indeed is powerful and can conquer all but I again think that in my zeal to want Love, I try to make it happen.

I try to find the ingredients and the timing and the head tries to make things work and here in is the rub. The head tries to make it work when in essence it is God that has either gifted Love or has not. Still blessings abound as we learn and grow.

Humbly, I now have fairly unbendable standards as I patiently wait for God to guide and gift. Yes fun times and connecting with people on deep levels and serving and learning are all so valuable.

But I find I also desperately need those moments, longer moments when I go into the desert as Jesus did to be with God. The answers there in that silence speak louder than any words can.

I think many social movements that change society start in those desert moments. I think the depth of an epiphanic event deepens in those desert moments. 

Jesus gave us the model.  Festive , as some despairingly called Him a glutton and a drunkard, who also was with the masses to help and heal but then would retire into the desert.

God bless you on your journey toward connecting, communing and having joy. But when you need to as well, you might find like me that sometimes we need the desert.