In the past, I have often thought why do people live a life that more often than not brings chaos into their life. Perhaps for some their personality type or life experience or both leads them to skirt the potential danger..almost as a thrill.
On the other hand, some of us because of our personality type and life experience..mistrust people and ourselves so much we bury ourselves in religious practice. Sometimes we truly want to find and get close to God, but more often we care to admit if we are honest we are running from something too.
In any case, it seems we often encounter things that just don't line up with how we think things should work. And if you continue down a path rationalizing long enough...sometimes God just throws a monkey wrench so severe you can no longer continue on the same path.
Those who have known me the longest know I can tend to be stubborn and loyal to a fault. These attributes do have their plus side for sure. But I have also been blessed with analyzing myself, others and things the way they work.
To be sure no amount of praying, bargaining, saving and a false sense of security will ever shield you from who you are. The beauty is you can change if you want to. You just have to be ready to see things and finally change a pattern that simply does not work.
God most assuredly talks to us in still moments but he also talks to us thru other people. Thru other people can be jarring. Sometimes it is too much or over exaggerated but make no mistake the is value is still there.
Without adversity and people checking us, we don't grow. And realistically we are loved and love few people enough to put the energy in to work it out when it gets very messy. We love and are loved by few who will do what it takes to amend and get past it. More often than not if you are willing..it just takes time.
I think the beauty of this life is that your capacity to be in those situations of being loved and loving gets better. We gain a better capacity to do it. I am of course talking about relationships that are longer term and close.
Although valuable, being a Mother Theresa and catering to the dying or fighting with the opposition, or dealing in a hierarchical structure is an unequal relationship and often a very temporary one as well. Charity and altruism is beautiful but most of us can only pull that off when we are just in the right mental space and it is temporary.
The longer term closer relationship with all these images of God are much more challenging. It is almost as if if you can't love your neighbor, you can't really recognize God's love and providence.
It is not about being perfect with every reaction as somehow God graces you with how to react with every situation but it is just about being honest. The struggle is real and it never ends but thats the joy really..letting go of our desire for perfection or apathy and caring enough about yourself and others to make it thru.
And I think that is where I need to grow next. It is really relying on God's providence because it all works out in the end..even when we pass. It's messy and evil sometimes but somehow God's love redeems all of it. Even the weak, messy and evil inside of us. Because that part is always us taking control instead of surrendering to Him and the needs he puts before us in inconvenient times. When we succeed in those tests..we feel closer to Him and when we fail..we have a choice. The first is to rationalize and harden your heart. The second is to face it..amend it if you can and in the chaos surrender to the process of redemption.
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